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Lily Allen attends the BAFTA pre-party at Hertford Street Club on February 17, 2024 in London.
Editor's note: Holly Thomas is a writer and editor based in London. She is morning editor for her Katie Couric Media.she tweets @holster. The opinions expressed in this commentary are solely those of the author. Read more opinions on CNN.
CNN —
“My career was ruined because of my children,” Lily Allen said on the Radio Times podcast last week. “I mean, I love them and they complete me, but they completely ruined me in terms of my pop star status.”
holly thomas
holly thomas
Her revelation sent the internet into a frenzy of anguished reactions. Although some said they had the opposite experience, many agreed that unless something dramatically changes, women are doomed to compromise as parents and professionals.
I found Allen's words oddly comforting. I had nothing against her pop career, and I definitely don't like the disproportionate pressure placed on her mothers, whether they're doing their jobs or not. I shared the wave of anger over the fact that male pop stars (and actors and soccer players, insert any other profession here) would never say something like that. Men's careers never seem to be shaken by the arrival of children, so they're never even asked about it.
Be willing to express honest truths rather than parrot accepted platitudes like “learn to prioritize” or how you can “have it all” if you sweat hard enough. I felt encouraged by her attitude of trying.
Honesty about the sacrifices often required of women, not just as parents but as adults, is priceless, especially from someone who on the surface appears to have won the lottery in life. .
I was so moved that, like most people, I almost missed what she said next. She added, “If we were actually more community-oriented and community-minded, maybe you could have it all.”
That's the point, isn't it? The assumption that women become mothers and are prepared to endure anything to do so may ring true to some, but when you treat it like a universal truth, everything Opportunities for people are limited.
As it stands, too many of us view life as a zero-sum game, with two prominent goals: raising children and professional success. The idea that pursuing one or both of these is everyone's best hope for fulfillment not only stifles individuality, but also undermines the community in which we can all thrive, regardless of our aspirations. Prevents construction.
When I was in elementary school, the question was not whether to have children, but when. I was convinced that in Disney movies, marriage was decided from the age of 16. But what about the second part? My father, who was 29 years old when I was born, wanted me to live while I was young so that I could enjoy a fulfilling life and career while I was still fresh and energetic. I thought I should have a baby.
Still, the implied timeline stressed me out. Should I look for a partner at university? There will be strong pressure to improve your academic performance and train your body in order to participate in society. If I had my first child at age 21, how many more years would I need to spend supervising that child and its siblings before I could release them into the wild? Or (of course there will be more than one child).
What happens when you marry someone who expects you to never lift a finger around the house, whether you're working or not?Based on my most direct experience with straight couples. It was almost the only adult relationship that was a model for me – this is very possible.
At this impressionable age, it would have been very helpful to be exposed to a more flexible concept of what is possible and a more realistic understanding of how things might play out. In fact, the contrast between what I was told and what I saw was confusing at best and frightening at worst.
Adults who are soon to be divorced, with big smiles on their faces, repeatedly claim that their wedding day was “the happiest of their lives,'' and distressed mothers who never smile, say that having children is “ It was the best thing ever.'' Growing up seemed like a set of rigid ideals intertwined with contradictions, and I didn't want to be a part of it.
Thankfully, almost everything I was taught as a child about relationships, parenting, and careers turned out to be nonsense. And after detoxing from those ideas for about 10 years, I was able to form some ideas of my own. Among them was the conviction that I really love children, but I don't want to have them. I'm so glad I realized this distinction between gratitude and need before creating someone who will depend on me for a long time, perhaps forever.
I also learned that while a career can be very fulfilling, most of it helps pay for more fun things like vacations and Pepsi Max. The happiest and proudest moments of my life have rarely had anything to do with work. What I find most true is that dreams of any kind come with a price. And most people, no matter what they do, pay an invisible price to pursue their dreams.
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The assumption that we are all so desperate to become parents that we are prepared to sacrifice everything else that is important to us not only does not support mothers at all, but also helps us women become parents. Treat parenthood like a test you have to pass. Certified adult. If we didn't take for granted that we're all heading towards the same narrow endpoint, we would all pay more attention to the many other important things that make life worth living, You could help build a world where people are better cared for.
“Having it all” means different things to different people. But whether we're parents or not, it's still too embarrassing to admit that “everything” about us looks different than “everything” about the person next to us. And realizing our most cherished expectations usually means giving up other valuable things. Parents absolutely need and deserve more support. But so are the rest of us. As Allen says, the solution doesn't come from looking inward. To unleash our true individuality, we need to think and act together.
