I felt a bit nauseous yesterday morning when I read this headline in the New York Times: “Trump-focused but undecided: How disengaged voters will decide 2024.”
Disengaged voters?
I understand that the presidential election is still over five months away, but if you are undecided about these two candidates, I believe you are sacrificing your right to vote. I would go a step further and say that if you are one of the “undecideds” who entrust the future of our country to you every four years, you should lose not only your right to vote, but also your right to voice your opinion.
Michael Ian Black: If Trump is acquitted, it will be an unstoppable terror
The Times article quoted a 22-year-old Las Vegas valet who said of the current election campaign: “If you asked me what's going on right now with the presidential election or the situation in Gaza or Ukraine or whatever, I don't think I could answer that question.”
Thank you for being honest with us, young man. You are now exempt from voting.
What more do people need? We are looking at two octogenarians who have each been in the public eye for nearly 50 years, are two of the most famous people in the country, and although they appear similar on the surface, they are quite different in their thinking and temperament.
A quick example of their differences (in case anyone reading this hasn't decided yet): One of the candidates is a sexual assaulter currently on trial for 34 felonies and awaiting trial for 54 more. The other loves ice cream. (He's also a victim of a brain parasite. His family has disowned his campaign, but his approval rating is currently around 10 percent. Maybe that's an indicator of where things stand.)
Do we really have to spend the next six months coddling these people? Some may be struggling with legitimate concerns about the economy, America's geopolitical role, Biden's response to the war our virtual ally Israel is currently waging, etc. This is not it. This is just people shrugging and saying, “I don't know.”
I get it. People are busy. They have jobs and lives and families. They may not be big news viewers. But at some point, we have an obligation to have at least a basic understanding of what the hell is going on in the world. If “the situation in Gaza and Ukraine” is going to be lumped in with “everything else,” then maybe we shouldn't be interested in this news.
Michael Ian Black: Trump diapers will be a MAGA phenomenon
In the UK, Brits have called a surprise general election to end the current Prime Minister's hold on Number 10 Downing Street. Could we do something similar? The Constitution doesn't actually specify when the election will take place, only that Parliament will decide “when to choose a Prime Minister”. [sic] “Electors and the day on which they cast their votes.”
Great. How about next Thursday?
That way, instead of spending months chasing the most foolish voters, campaigns can use that time to litigate the results, take to the streets, and incite insurrection.
Seriously, what are we waiting for? Sure, either of these old men could drop dead by November, but even if they do, so what? Whoever replaces either candidate, the choice left for us will be just as stark. At this point, we're not even voting for a candidate; we're choosing between the traditional American institutions of life over an Ayn Rand-drummed Christian fever dream.
But you're undecided. What will it take? Will Trump actually have to burn the Declaration of Independence before he loses your support? Will Biden have to make fun of people with disabilities to earn your trust? Haven't we seen anything yet from these two candidates that will move the needle on that closed-off bowl of lunchmeat you call a brain?
Michael Ian Black: Biden, go out and make headlines
No one is saying you have to be well-versed in the nuances of capital gains tax policy, for example, but are you saying you have no opinion on whether you want to put into office a man who promised to be a dictator on day one? A man who has said he would suspend the Constitution? A man who is hearing closing arguments in the first of three criminal trials as I write this? A man who was called a “fucking moron” by a former Secretary of State? Are you undecided about that man?
To all of you undecided brothers and sisters, for your sake and for all of us, don't worry. If you're still not sure where you stand, sit back. Relax. Let others help you figure it out, and don't feel bad. It's not your fault. Be proud of the fact that you've made it this far without sticking a pencil in your head.
To quote Bob Dylan, who said this the week of his 83rd birthday, “You're a fool, baby. I'm surprised you still know how to breathe.”
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