[Twelve jurors are assembled in a deliberation room while a fan spins lazily overhead. Jurors open windows, fan themselves and make small talk.]
Juror 11: It seems to be the hottest day of the year.
Juror 5: Well, I don't have to be here long, which is good, because I have to go give a lecture on the presidency of Grover Cleveland.
Juror 7: Looks like we can skip this.
Juror 5: This is not his first term, it's his second.
Follow this author Alexandra Petri's opinion
Juror 1: Okay, guys. There are a number of ways we can do this. We can talk about it and then vote, or we can have a preliminary vote, see where we stand and then talk about it. Either way, the result has to be 12-0.
Juror 3: Let's have a preliminary vote. Maybe we can all go home.
Juror 1: Okay. Show of hands. Does anybody think he's guilty?
[Eleven hands go up. All heads swivel to Juror 8, sitting at the end of the table with his hand firmly on its surface.]
Juror 8: It just doesn't make sense to me.
Juror 8: I need you to convince me! Just convince me.
Juror 3: We've seen over 200 pieces of evidence.
Juror 8: Is the standard of judgment the evidence or something else?
Juror 4: I think that's evidence. I took copious notes.
Juror 8: I think we should take the time to sit down and have a discussion. This is America. Everyone deserves fair treatment. If the person on trial is somehow connected to the Federalist Society, they should be treated more than fair. Hell, this is America. If they make racially unfair districting decisions, but say with a straight face, “It just looks bad,” they're entitled to a ruling when in doubt. If they want an abortion, they shouldn't have to. There are freedoms and rights that must be respected, and I think this man deserves a fair hearing.
Juror 9: A fair trial! This is the only trial that can go ahead before he potentially puts himself beyond the reach of justice forever!
Juror 8: What makes you believe he's guilty?
Juror 5: We've heard from all of our peers. Come on, Grover is waiting!
Juror 3: To be fair, I'm not happy. I think they should give us a copy of the testimony.
Juror 4: Right. What is a trial? Why do we have to forget that the technology exists to put it on paper? Why do we need the testimony to be read out loud again, like a bedtime story, and for some reason starring Michael Cohen? And why do we have little hand-drawn pictures of the trial? I understand that artificial intelligence is threatening artists' livelihoods, but we have cameras and this feels like job creation.
Juror 1: I'm an artist.
Juror 4: I'm not talking about you. I'm just speaking in general terms.
Juror 4: I regret speaking up because it alienated everyone around me.
[Juror 8 has gone to stand by the window during this exchange.]
Juror 8: I don't think this is about our personal feelings. This is a man's life.
Juror 4: Well, maybe his political life, but unfortunately even that probably won't happen.
Juror 1: Are you saying this incident needed to be covered up to preserve his political chances?
Juror 5: Nonsense! Anyone who knows anything about Grover Cleveland knows that he weathered a much more serious scandal at a much tougher time. This kind of behavior was already imprinted on voters' perceptions of the man on trial, and only if he knew nothing about Grover Cleveland could he have thought that covering it up would hurt his election.
Juror 4: I bet you did. He said this about the Battle of Gettysburg: “Gettysburg, what an incredible battle that was. … It was so amazing and so interesting and so brutal and horrific and so beautiful in so many ways. It symbolized a huge part of the success of this country. Gettysburg, wow.” No internet allowed here, but I know it by heart so that's OK.
Juror 5: Well, maybe, but we have to assume that every American has at least some basic knowledge of Grover Cleveland.
Juror 8: If you know so much about Grover Cleveland's second term, I don't understand why you should rush out of here and attend that lecture.
Juror 5: I'll give you a lecture!
Juror 8: I don't care if they're lecturing! This is a guy! This is a guy trying to kill me by pinning me against a chair!
Juror 10: What trial do you think this is?
Juror 8: That's the gamble here, you know it! The boy pulls out a switchblade.
Juror 9: This is Donald Trump's hush money trial.
Juror 8: Donald Trump? [He looks at his instruction card.] Ah, no, I've come to the council room.
Juror 9: Oh, thank goodness. I think this is a mistrial.
