Oh, Carolyn: My teenage daughter doesn't want to go anywhere, at least not with her parents or family. She was looking forward to a school trip to Europe and was having a great time.
I suggest road trips, visiting family out of state, amusement parks, beaches, mountains, etc., and responses range from “meh” to “yuck.” We finally have the money to enjoy a vacation and want to give our daughter some fun experiences before she heads off to college in a few years, but paying a ton of money for a trip only for her to be cranky and rolling her eyes the whole time is no fun for anyone.
She is now saying she doesn't want to travel much, including on holidays, to visit family in other states.
I want to take a family trip to the beach this summer and visit my aunt along the way, but she's already complaining that her house is boring and the WiFi is bad (that last part is true and annoying). I want to respect her wishes, but I don't think a 15-year-old should have any say in deciding on a family trip. What should I do?
Anonymous: Recognize that you are entering a period of awkwardness. For your teen, everything you do, say, think, wear, breathe, chew, feels awkward.
As most parents of teenage kids, maybe all parents, yes, so you and anyone who's seen the movie knew this was coming, so maybe my role is to point out that cool travel doesn't earn you an exemption.
The next thing you need to do is accept it. Your child is trying to figure out who she is apart from you, and choosing not to take the emotional breakup personally is a great way to allow her to do that.
Then, decide as a family what to do about it. Of course, you want to be in the “driver's seat” of the family, but that doesn't mean you have to declare that if you plan the trip, your wife will be happy to go along with you. That's one way to take the helm, but there are others.
You can also pick your battles. You may not have another chance to take a fancy holiday card photo at any resort (sorry), but you have no choice in maintaining ties with your extended family, no matter how much she puts her suffering into the photos. To be fair, let her have a say in some of the plans.
Another option would be to suspend family travel and encourage student travel until all parties involved can participate again. This is risky, as it means placing all our trust in the hope that we will be able to spend time together again, which may never happen. The passage of time is undeniable.
But forcing isn't just a harmful matter of wasted money and bad looks. It's also a form of silence disguised as leisure. She's changing and growing, so why can't your approach to travel (among other things) change and grow with her? That way, it creates an atmosphere of respect, not submission. And respect is the kind of family value that inspires grown children to travel with their parents throughout their lives. At least, once the aversion fades.
If you set aside some of your hard-earned assets, you may be able to look after your daughter with her own family while she is still poor, and she will likely like you more and have more fun.
