Dear Abby: I am fortunate to have a great relationship with my in-laws. We live on opposite sides of the country, so we video chat often but only see each other in person a few times a year. They recently retired, and together we are making plans to move to a new place that is close to my family and a desirable place for them to spend their retirement years.
A few years ago, my mother-in-law, “Irene,” lost consciousness twice in the same day. Since then, she has shown signs of cognitive decline: word-fingering when speaking, omitting words when writing, forgetfulness, and involuntary recurring facial tics. She refuses to talk about this to her doctors.
On our last visit, my husband told my father about our concerns about her health, but when my father told Eileen, she became furious. Abby, I don't know what to do. We are looking forward to moving to the same town as my parents-in-law so they can spend more time with our grandchildren, but I am reluctant to let her and my distractible father-in-law spend time alone with the kids if she won't be honest with me about what's going on.
I also want to plan for the future so that we can provide care if Eileen's condition worsens. Not being able to communicate this issue to her will ultimately damage the relationship that I feel so lucky to have. Is there anything I can do or should I remain silent? — I am ready to take a stand
Dear READY: When Eileen collapsed twice in one day, was she taken to the emergency room? Did you not contact her doctor at that time? Her subsequent cognitive decline may have something to do with those events. Your husband and father-in-law should tell her doctor everything that happened and ensure that your mother-in-law is evaluated physically and neurologically when she has her regular yearly checkup (please tell me there is a checkup). It would be a real shame if something could have been done to address her condition and it was ignored.
On a slightly different note, once you move to your new community, it may be wise to look into care facilities for your parents-in-law.
Dear Abby: My husband and I can't agree on when we should celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary. We were married on June 16, 1974. I think we'll celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary on June 16, 2024. But my husband insists we should celebrate our children's first birthdays after they survive their first year. He says we have to make it 50 years by June 16, 2025, which would be our 50th wedding anniversary. — COUNTING IN TEXAS
For you who are counting: Wedding anniversaries are calculated based on your wedding date, not the 12 months that follow. There's no need to wait another year to celebrate such a milestone day. If he's not ready to celebrate yet, ask him to say so, but don't let him use this argument as an excuse.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren (aka Jeanne Phillips) and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Dear Abby can be contacted at www.DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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