About 10 years ago, Jay P. fell victim to alcoholism.
“At first it was just a drinking spree — Friday, Saturday. Then Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and then I was drinking every day,” he said.
“Every day it gets worse and worse, out of control, and after six months you're isolated, you're alone and you basically have nothing left.”
Jay, who Global News agreed not to use his full name to protect his privacy, said he suffered from depression and anxiety and struggled to seek help while trying to meet cultural expectations of what it means to be a man.
“We want to be self-sufficient. Nobody wants to admit defeat, and I have. Nobody wants to surrender,” he said. “We're trying to figure it out for ourselves. We're trying to put the puzzle together.”
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Addictions counselors at St. Raphael Wellness Center say these expectations are all too common.
“Men are less likely to seek help. When it comes to healthcare, men are less open about physical or mental distress than women. They don't see the doctor as often as women, and when they do see the doctor, they panic when they find out they need treatment,” Matthew Hodgins said.
“Men are expected to be independent. They are expected to work and support themselves.”
Mara Grunau, executive director of the Center for Suicide Prevention, says it's a systemic problem.
Men who have been raised to believe that expressing emotions is “weakness” are more likely to hide their feelings, which can become overwhelming and lead to a crisis. https://t.co/8mYGv6OIHK #A good friend pic.twitter.com/45jzlZlbGz
— Suicide Prevention Center (@cspyyc) June 11, 2024
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“We have socialised men to be strong and stoic. Depending on your generation, you may be familiar with phrases like 'boys don't cry', 'be tougher' and 'be strong enough to bear it,'” she said.
“These representations don't exist in a vacuum. There are many underlying beliefs that run deep and influence both how women see men and how men see themselves.”
A study featured in the center's “Buddy Up” campaign found that men are three times more likely to die by suicide than women.
“It doesn't have to be this way,” Grunau says. “Men can come together and create safe spaces, and women have a role to play. Suicide is preventable.”
To give men hope for recovery, Hodgins runs a support group at St. Raphael Wellness Centre in Winnipeg.
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“I think a lot of people think sobriety is abstinence from drugs and alcohol and that's it, so the vision for our work is a multi-faceted approach that looks at all the things we can make a difference in: mental health, community, sleep hygiene, exercise, diet, sexual health,” he said.
“I teach men that they are lovable, that they are worthy, and that recovery is achievable and sustainable.”
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Jay joined Hodgins' group in April after spending 20 days in hospital following surgery.
988 Lifeline Trained crisis counselors are available 24/7 via phone, text and chat to help people in crisis. #suicidal thoughtsdrug use, and/or #mental health Crisis, or other types of emotional distress. pic.twitter.com/wN4t09wMjo
— 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (@988Lifeline) July 18, 2023
“I live in a sober living facility and I have a counselor. She noticed that I didn't have the same drive after the surgery,” he said, noting that he is primarily focused on his physical recovery rather than the mental one.
“I took a big step back. Addiction is a weird thing. The obsession came back,” he said, but with the encouragement of a counsellor he was able to catch it and curb it.
“She doesn't hold back. She makes it very clear to me. She said, 'You need a group,'” Jay said.
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He's grateful he took the step, and says it was key to turning his life around.
“It's like adding a new link to the chain because the chain was so broken before. Now I'm putting the chain back together. It's not everything I'm doing, but it's a big part of my recovery. And the more I put the chain back together, the stronger it becomes,” he said.
He says he now has about 40 people he can consult when he's in trouble.
4:16 June is Men's Mental Health Month
“Sometimes you just need to get something off your chest and it feels good. You connect with people and you may hear a story that's very similar to yours, but the way he deals with it may be a way you never thought about,” Jay said.
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He said it helps that everyone involved with the group is there to get better.
“We're rebuilding ourselves, and part of a good recovery is building connections with other people,” he said. “The opposite of addiction is connection.”
Hodgins said meeting with the group has been essential to his recovery.
“The whole point of meeting in a group is to reduce shame and stigma, which when it comes to addiction, you don't get that benefit from just working with a private counsellor or therapist,” he said.
“When you do group activities, you meet other people who have been through the same thing as you. It gives you a sense of hope and catharsis. You're gaining something. It's therapeutic, it helps other people, it gives you a sense of purpose, a role and a sense of responsibility.”
“When you're not in a group, people get lonely and they'll ask about you. If you hit a snag in your recovery, there's support and people will talk to you.”
Grunau said the number one reason people consider suicide is “because they're experiencing incredible emotional distress,” “which can be compounded by feelings of burden, loneliness and isolation.”
But that's why she said suicide is preventable.
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“We can intervene and help people become more resilient and help people feel hopeful about the future, but to do that we have to have the conversation,” she said.
“Hey Steve, how are you really doing?” Steve has started smoking weed and drinking more than usual. He's also talking about how his life sucks. If you have a friend like Steve, reach out to him and ask him how he's really doing. https://t.co/1qdsvKq34o #A good friend pic.twitter.com/VrnHpXq6yA
— Suicide Prevention Center (@cspyyc) June 11, 2024
That's the purpose of the Buddy Up campaign.
“What I've learned from men is that they want to have honest conversations with their peers and friends, but they don't know how to start the conversation,” Grunau said.
She says that people who want to help a friend or family member can start the conversation by asking how they are really doing and being specific about why they want to reach out.
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For example, she said, “You haven't shown up to soccer two weeks in a row, that's not like you. I'm worried. What's going on?”
She said it's important to listen and, if it sounds like someone is suicidal, ask if they are truly thinking about suicide.
“It's a really hard thing to ask, but it's really important because if you say the words and ask the question, they don't have to,” Grunau said.
If someone tells you they are thinking about suicide, she said don't panic and acknowledge their feelings without confirming it and ask them to call or text the suicide crisis helpline at 988, which is available 24/7.
Jay said the road to recovery won't be easy, but it's worth it.
“Life is worth living. There are many good things to do. And you can actually enjoy them, reminisce about them, and participate in them without specifically using drugs.”
1:57 Mother calls for better mental health support for men
