OPINION |
When I think back to my childhood and adolescence, I have many special memories of the friends (and neighbors) who enjoyed those experiences with me.
This could be riding bikes around town, spending time at the local pool, exploring caves or rivers together, fishing in local ponds or streams, playing games around the house or yard, hauling hay, or being active on sports teams together.
Sometimes those special memories involved acts of service: a family member needing help tending to their cattle, searching for a stray dog, or a close friend who died too soon.
The time spent with people through these experiences leads to friendships, some of which last for decades, while others may fade if not nurtured.
The same goes for relationships with neighbors. Building good relationships is tricky and takes time. Neighbors are more like a hot pot than a microwave. But don't take my word for it; I have research to back up my opinion.
Friendship takes time
In 2018, a professor at the University of Kansas determined how long it takes to make a friend and how long it typically takes to progress through the stages of friendship.
The professor found that it takes two people roughly 50 hours of time together to go from mere acquaintance to casual friend, 90 hours to move from that stage to just being a friend, and more than 200 hours to consider someone a close friend.
Time spent hanging out, attending events, eating out, playing video games, and other activities count toward building friendships. Time spent working doesn't count so much.
Dr. Jeffrey Hall, professor of communication and director of the Institute for Relationships and Technology at the University of Kansas. (Photo provided)
“It takes time. You can't just snap your fingers and make friends. We haven't seen anything since 2018 that's going to change that fact,” said Dr. Jeffrey Hall, professor of communications and director of the Institute for Relationships and Technology at the University of Kansas.
“The amount of time and types of activities you share with your partner is an investment in a long-term sense of belonging,” Hall says. “It takes time, and it's limited; our brains can only handle around 150 friendships.”
The key takeaway from the study is that building friendships requires action and takes time — something we'd all be wise to invest in, Hall says. He points to previous research showing that early friendships lead to happiness later in life.
“You can't force someone to spend time with you, but you can invite them,” Hall says. “Make it a priority to spend time with potential friends. Sometimes it's easier to invite people to spend time with you if you live in close proximity.”
Let's start with Dale Carnegie's classic suggestion:
I am often asked where to start in getting to know my neighbors. Some actions can help. I recently read Dale Carnegie's classic book, How to Win Friends and Influence People (written 70 years ago).
As I read through Carnegie's list of techniques and substituted the words “friends” and “people” for “neighbors,” I felt it was a reasonable list of ideas for building positive relationships.
Don't criticize, blame, or complain. When neighbors are criticized or humiliated, they rarely respond well and often become defensive and resent the critic. Take a genuine interest in your neighbors. By taking an interest in them, you can make more friends in two months than they would in two years if they were to take an interest in you. A smile is free and has the amazing power to make others feel great. A person's name sounds nice. The average neighbor is more interested in their name than anyone else. By learning their name, you can make them feel valued. Be a good listener. Encourage your neighbor to talk about themselves. The easiest way to become a good conversationalist is to be a good listener. Talk about your neighbor's interests. The way to win your neighbor's heart is to talk about things that interest them. Genuinely make your neighbor feel valued. If you allow your neighbor to talk about himself, he will talk to you for hours and you will have all the friends you need. The only way to win an argument is to avoid it. Respect your neighbor's opinion. If you are wrong, admit it immediately and clearly. Start with a friendly attitude. If we start our interactions with others with a pleasant attitude, people will be more accepting. Try to see things honestly from your neighbor's point of view.
Let's make it a “Plus One” day
When I speak to groups, I share a principle I call “Plus One Neighborhood,” the idea that having one positive interaction with a neighbor makes every day a plus one.
Consistent, regular effort over time leads to connection, and another study by Hall from the University of Kansas backs up this idea: chatting with a friend just once a day to catch up can lead to increased happiness and lower stress levels by the end of the day.
The most important thing, Hall said, is to intentionally reach out to friends. The study found that once is good enough, but more is better. In-person contact trumps any mobile or social media outlet.
“This means that the more you listen to your friends, the more you show you care, and the more time you take to respect the opinions of others, the better you'll feel at the end of the day,” he said.
What's interesting about this study is that it shows that a lot of good can happen by having just one good conversation each day with a friend or neighbor.
You should spend time talking to your friends and neighbors. If you resolve to have at least one positive interaction with your neighbors a day, it will bring you great benefits.
David Burton
David Burton has worked as a County Engagement Specialist for the University of Missouri Extension for over 20 years. To learn more about his “Engaged Neighbor” program, visit https://extension.missouri.edu , email burtond@missouri.edu or call (417) 881-8909. More articles by David Burton
