Maybe I'm old. I remember when TV and water were free and porn was paid for. I remember when LGBT meant lettuce, guacamole, bacon and tomato sandwiches. My generation can actually fly into an airport and eat a sandwich without having to post it on Instagram.
Of course I'm not a grammar nazi or a word nerd, but young people need to focus on cleaning up their language, especially when it comes to the overuse of three words that hold the English language back: “like,” “literally,” and “amazing.”
For those of you under 40, have you noticed that I use the word “like” in every other sentence? No!
When people my age, people who remember the TV show Cheers, go through a job interview, it pisses me off when you use the word “like” as a filler or rephrasing, and when it's done in a high-pitched, nasal, Kardashian Valley Girl way, it's torture.
“Uptalking” at the end of each sentence makes it sound like a question. It's sing-song speech and makes you seem hollow, inaccurate and stupid. This is getting too long and I was going to say something about this, so stop.
You kids, you know how you always use the word “amazing” too? Stop it.
Witnessing the birth of a child is amazing. That sandwich you buy at Whole Foods is not amazing. Those jeans Ashley just bought and the top she wears with them are not amazing. Dictionary synonyms for “amazing” include astonishing, phenomenal, astonishing, stunning, breathtaking, spectacular, astounding, and astounding.
Ashley jeans have been mass produced in sweatshops in China for 50 years and there is nothing “great” about them, so please stop using the word “great” to describe anything that is slightly above average. Anyone who is constantly “amazing” has a low IQ.
Also, when you order at the fast food restaurant in front of you, don't start your order with “Can I have a Big Mac please?” every time. Of course you can. Just step forward and say, “I'd like a Big Mac please.” Nobody is telling you not to order a Big Mac. It's not something to ask the cashier, it's your order. Pay quickly and don't get in the way of us old people. We don't have much time left to live.
Finally, have you noticed how men and women use the word “literally” way too often? Stop it.
“Literally” is a supportive word you use when you want to emphasize a boring story about yourself. I heard a man say the other day that “it was literally pouring.” This isn't “literally” true unless there's an explosion at an animal shelter. For “literally” to work, what you're saying has to have a figurative meaning and it has to be something that's actually happening. It doesn't happen in every other sentence, like when you talk about going to a concert with your roommate Skeeter.
If you overuse it, you can join a literary association. Americans who use it figuratively and literally, or horribly.
I blame the expensive, bigoted universities that have been giving us terrible education for decades. If we're going to take out ridiculous amounts of money in student loans and pay these stupid universities $80,000 a year to have a woman in Birkenstocks interpret “Beowulf,” then we don't have to pay off our student loans. Read “Lord of the Flies” on your own time.
After enduring a long lecture by a tenured, high-minded, self-absorbed speaker, I learned one thing: there's a fine line between a long college lecture and a hostage situation. I'm proud to say that I didn't incur any student loan debt during college, but it took me 12 years after college to pay my way through the bars in town.
Syndicated editorial satirist, author and TV/radio commentator Ron Hart can be reached at Ron@RonaldHart.com or on Twitter @RonaldHart.
