Everywhere you look, you see articles about whether Joe Biden is too old to run the country. But on Donald Trump's 78th birthday, no one is asking the real question: Is Donald Trump too young to be president?
Look, we all know Joe Biden is old. 81 years old! Really old!
Let's be honest, if you put 81 candles on a cake, you've basically reinvented the sun. Has anyone ever gotten to 81? Probably not! Numbers up there are impossible to know for sure, as they're purely theoretical, like elementary particles like quarks or Glenn Powell before 2023.
But today is Donald Trump's 78th birthday. The funny thing is, that's not old at all. He's much younger than Biden! Trump is infinitely younger than Biden, if I did my math right. Do you understand? 78 is still too young to understand subtraction, so I'm not doing any real math here. I'm still counting on my fingers. “7…8…9…1 trillion.”
Who will live longer: Trump or Biden?
What does a former president do for his birthday? Chuck E. Cheese's is full of 78-year-olds wrestling in a ball pool. If you're going to throw a party, you have to invite the whole class? Because Mackenzie C. has a peanut allergy and ruined Dalton F.'s 77th birthday last month when her mother sent her to the trampoline park with an expired EpiPen.
Donald Trump, at 936 months (at this age, we still tend to talk in months), is still a toddler. That's why he was so excited to discover he remembered “person, woman, man, camera, television” — it was the first time he'd ever demonstrated object permanence.
That's why he stared at the eclipse.
Donald Trump removes his safety glasses and looks up at the 2017 solar eclipse.
Reuters
That's why he was so excited to ride the Honk Honk truck!
Big trucks for big boys.
Melina Mara
To sum it up: 78? Young, healthy, cool. 81? Probably invented the cotton gin.
78? I believe in the Tooth Fairy. 81? Founder of Pangaea.
78? Still pronounce it “Pasquetti.” 81? Died at least 40 years ago.
But the thing is, someone has to be the adult. So I ask again: Is Donald Trump too young to be president? He has only 34 felonies. Like a toddler!
Let's give him a few more decades to grow up and then debate whether to give him the nuclear codes again.
Jill Twiss is a multiple Emmy and Peabody Award-winning senior writer on HBO's “Last Week Tonight with John Oliver.” While on the show, she wrote the #1 New York Times bestseller, “A Day in the Life of Marlon Bundo.”
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