Lately, I've been reading a few articles about the identity crisis facing young men. But now I've read about another identity crisis that's shaking young women to their core. Both are worthy of attention.
They're both struggling with what their role in life is and what role they really want. For most young men, this starts in their teens. For most young women, this starts in their late twenties. Because the crises they're going through are very different.
In essence, young women are struggling with the liberal, successful lifestyles that leave them no time for children, according to a New York Times op-ed by Anastasia Berg and Rachel Weisman.
They are the authors of a book about the difficult decision to become a mother – the question of when, or even if, successful young women want to have children – which has been described as a potential “recipe for unhappiness and deep confusion.”
Their book is called What Are Children For?: Ambivalence and Choice.
The Times article published on June 10th covers the issue in some detail, but I will only mention it briefly for now. I have a more personal understanding of the issues facing boys and young men.
I think back to my teenage years and how I struggled with toxic masculinity, trying to hide my weaknesses and vulnerabilities, and looking at the men around me and categorizing them into two groups: the “good guys” and the “bad guys.”
The Goodies were adept at hiding their indiscretions with an air of innocence, while the Hoodies wanted to be seen as the “thugs” who willfully flouted the system by trying to get away with anything.
At times I tried to fit in with either group but it didn't work for me and I felt rather alone. Luckily I had an older brother who listened to me, read to me and set a good example for me to follow.
Unfortunately, my parents had a strong paternalistic attitude and set strict rules that were undisputed, which meant that I could not relax them and ended up breaking them too often. Although my parents were good parents, they were not fully prepared to understand my feelings, desires and weaknesses.
I also didn't feel comfortable opening up much to my classmates, and only rarely shared my concerns with adult friends who weren't in a position to intervene, so it was my older brother who saved me from disaster. He was my best friend for life.
These experiences have given me some understanding of the feelings of depression, loneliness and anxiety mentioned in journalist Ruth Wippman's analysis in the New York Times.
After years of interviewing boys and young men, she is the author of Boymom: Reimagining Boyhood in the Age of Impossible Masculinity, in which she argues that we continue to “fail as massively as ever to teach boys relationship skills and emotions.”
She explains, “For the past five years we've been wrestling with notions of gender and privilege, trying to challenge old stereotypes and power structures. These conversations should have been an opportunity to let go of old pressures and norms around masculinity, and empower boys and men to be more emotionally open and engaged. But in many ways, this environment has clearly had the opposite effect, closing them off further.”
She reports that “more than a quarter of men under 30 say they have no close friends. Teenage boys spend two hours less per week socializing than teenage girls,” and spend seven hours more per week looking at screens than teenage girls.
When we asked the internet about the issues facing boys and young men, we received a long list of social media comments posted on Reddit, where posters cited depression, anxiety, and not being able to find anyone to talk to about their feelings and concerns.
As one Reddit post pointed out, “The statistics for men right now are pretty depressing: 80% suicide rate, 77% alcoholism, 75% homelessness, 40% lower college enrollment and graduation rates are actually even lower.”
Wippman noted that these comments were even more prevalent on Discord, a “male-biased communications platform.”
Another editorial writer concluded that “the most dangerous person in the world is a young man who is penniless and lonely.”
The comments were included in a CNN article by Scott Galloway, a marketing professor at New York University's Stern School of Business, who wrote that “men who are unable to feel attached to their partners, careers and communities often become bitter and seek instability and uncertainty.”
His main prescription for solving the problem is the need for men to pursue and build relationships enthusiastically, “the fundamental foundation of any society.”
Darrell Burkheimer, a former journalist who lives in Grass Valley, is a frequent contributor to The Union. He has written nine books, which can be purchased on Amazon and SPD. His two collections of essays contain nearly 120 columns that appeared in The Union, as well as a variety of travel and photo essays. He can be reached at mtmrnut@yahoo.com.
