I used to teach marketing at Colorado Mountain College. Marketing, in the most basic sense, is how an organization meets the needs of its customers. Companies that are good marketers aim to satisfy their customers and earn their trust and loyalty. A useful analogy might be to think of ourselves as marketers when we're having a conversation. Are we meeting the needs of the person we're talking to, or just our own?
Let's say your wife comes home from work upset about a conflict with a coworker. After she describes the situation, you give her some great advice that you're sure will solve all of her problems. You're surprised when she doesn't appreciate your wise and kind response. You failed to realize that she needed to vent her stress and take control of her own conflicts, and instead focused on how you needed to become the problem-solving expert.
In his book Supercommunicators, author Charles Duhigg discusses the importance of being aware of the type of conversation you're having. The conversation might be about emotions, as in the example above. Or it might be about trying to accomplish something, as in the workplace or education. Or it might be a social conversation, where you're sharing stories and learning about the other person's beliefs and dreams.
Duhigg gives the example of a doctor advising a patient on what cancer treatment to choose. Citing statistics from studies is often not what patients want to hear, because they're thinking about how their family will make the decision and how it will affect their loved ones if the treatment isn't successful. Having a heart-to-heart discussion about the patient's feelings and concerns can help connect the conversation and lead to better treatment decisions.
There are times in a conversation when we can't get a word in. The other person clearly wants to talk about something important, and we are accommodating. Don't interrupt, and praise them for being a good listener. I hope your Aunt Clara isn't the one who told you the same story 15 times.
If you want to be bold and have a long talk with someone who has a different political view, try One Small Step. It's a non-profit that aims to reduce division in the country by helping people get to know people who see things differently. There's a facilitator, so the risk of violence is low. I attended one a few years ago and had a fun, enlightening discussion.
Duhigg says elections are driven by emotions more than facts. My uncle used to tell me stories about how tough life was during the Great Depression and World War II. It's no wonder he was conservative on money and politics and had a high opinion of the military. Duhigg points out that conspiracy theories often contain detailed stories people can relate to, including corrupt politicians, greedy corporations, and rigged economies. When these match up with one's own life story, that person will be very resistant to change.
I never asked my parents, “What was your favorite subject in school?” or “What was your biggest fear as a teenager?”, and they never asked me those questions, so a wonderful opportunity for discovery and connection was missed. In recent years, it's often said that mental illness is on the rise among teenagers. Screen time and social media are often to blame, but it could also be that parents and children are not connecting because of a lack of curiosity and communication skills.
Every conversation is an opportunity to make a connection. Even a chairlift conversation has potential. Sure, it's hard to build a deep bond with an unknown skier in the nine minutes it takes to reach the summit, but there's little risk of the conversation straying into uncomfortable territory. You exchange compliments about the great weather and snow conditions, and part ways feeling a little optimistic and pleased.
Think about the leaders of our communities, nonprofits, schools, businesses, and governments. Much of their success and the respect they receive from others comes from their communication skills—how they listen well and ask the right questions to understand the other person better. Author David Brooks says that “a good conversation is an act of communal inquiry” that brings out the best in us and “suggests ideas we'd never considered before.” You don't have to be a “super communicator” to listen carefully and find a deeper connection in your next conversation.
Paul Olson's column, “The Friendly Conservative,” appears in the Summit Daily News every other Tuesday. Olson has lived in Breckenridge since 1995. He currently works at REI in Dillon and enjoys snowboarding, Nordic skiing and hiking. He can be reached at pobreck@gmail.com.
