Mother's Day can be a day of joy and gratitude for some women. For others, it serves as a poignant reminder of what they lack: fertility, children, motherhood, or a positive relationship with their own mother. Additionally, when parents of children hear others talk about the self-sacrificing, perfect, angelic mother figure, they may be reminded of their own shortcomings.
I am a psychiatric mental health nurse in Utah who primarily works with hopeful, pregnant, and postpartum women. Many of them struggle with the idea of not being good enough as women and mothers.
America Ferrara's monologue in “Barbie” succinctly expresses this inadequate narrative. “Never get old, never be rude, never show off, never be selfish, never get depressed, never fail, never show fear. Never step out of line. too hard! “This portrayal of womanhood, and by extension motherhood, oozes perfection, altruism, and expectation. And no one benefits from it.
enough is enough
In 1953, psychoanalyst and pediatrician Donald Winnicott coined the term “good enough mother” in relation to child development rather than perfectionism. He argues that “a good enough 'mother'…is one who actively adapts to the infant's needs, accounts for failures of adaptation, and responds to the infant's growing ability to tolerate the consequences of frustration.” “The active adaptation gradually weakens.”
Lesson: Failure is built into the very definition of motherhood. Dr. Winnicott teaches us that when we fail our children in developmentally appropriate and “manageable ways,” we prepare them for a world of disappointment.
Imagine a child whose needs are met 100% by a “perfect” mother. Even when she cries, she is easily comforted. When he throws a tantrum, his desires are given. When he's lonely, his mom is there for him. What will this child learn? The world will obey his will. This child will have a hard time building resilience and tolerance for his own and others' shortcomings. A perfect mother deprives her child of learning how to apologize, forgive, compromise and grow.
A good enough mother is sensitive to her child's needs in order to create a safe and trusting relationship. But a good enough mother provides her child with a realistic model of how they should be as human beings by letting them fail from time to time.
you're not going to be a supermarket
Consider specialty stores such as supermarkets and boutiques. The supermarket has everything from food, clothing, party supplies, motor oil, exercise equipment, and more. This is a one-stop shop for all your needs and wants. Specialty stores, on the other hand, have unique products and do not try to cover everything.
Most mothers have the skills to meet their infant's basic needs (feeding, dressing, cradling), but as the child grows into a more complex human being, that is not all, nor should it be. there is no. Enough mothers are not supermarkets. She allows people in the village – her partner, family, nannies, teachers, friends, coaches, neighbors – each to support the child in their own way, guiding the child towards healthy independence. .
An example of this in my life is Mrs. Susan, who has been my neighbor for seven years and the mother of my childhood best friend. Her friend's family often invited her to dinner, and one time she ended up burping in the middle of her meal. Mrs. Susan was surprised and said: We don't do that at the dinner table. ”
I proudly retorted, “So does my family!”
Mrs. Susan, a champion of manners and a true Southern woman, gave me etiquette lessons. She was scolded lightly and was a little embarrassed. That day, I learned the importance of closing your mouth when burping (at least in someone else's house).
To be fair to my parents, I'm sure they taught me that too. But Mrs. Susan's words resonated with me. Because her politeness was her specialty. My mother, on the other hand, had the advantage of being easy-going and having fun, even when we children behaved in a vulgar manner.
The negative effects of perfectionism on mothers
Finally, perfectionism comes at a high price. When mothers strive for perfection, comparisons are not far behind. Sure, social media has amplified our comparison tendencies, but they were there long before Xanga, MySpace, Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok.
There are many comparisons. It is a thief of joy, a barrier to connection, a highway to depression, overwhelm, and guilt. The combined effects of perfectionism and comparison make women feel unyielding pressures, like Luisa Madrigal, the oldest sister in Encanto. When Luisa sings, she glimpses the possibility of a new life. She said, “But wait, if we could shake off the crushing weight of expectations, would that free up room for joy, relaxation, or simple joy?”
This Mother's Day, why not take a break from self-criticism and experiment with some self-compassion? Instead of thinking about your flaws, think about the gifts that come from your imperfections. It's okay to fail sometimes. Enough is enough. In fact, it's better than perfect.
(Photo courtesy of Dr. Joni Libert) Dr. Joni Libert
Dr. Joni Libert is a psychiatric mental health nurse who enjoys working with pregnant and postpartum patients and quickly developed a passion for helping perinatal women find the help they need. Now it looks like this. This is a podcast dedicated to helping women in Utah learn about and connect with available maternal mental health resources in their community, called “The Sad Moms Club,” a nursing practice with a Ph.D. This led to the idea for the project.
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