It's 2024, why are people still shamelessly urinating in public?
There are many things I like about this city, but there are also some things I don't like. And there was one thing that led me to buy a megaphone. More on that later.
First of all, I'd like to say, this isn't necessarily a hot take, as I'm sure most of you are with me, except for fetishists, but I absolutely hate public urination.
Living in London, things like that appear before me almost every day. My apartment overlooks a dark corner, but a surprising number of people (I have to say it's only men, I've never seen a woman doing that here), but only in the early morning. I think it's okay to use it as a urinal instead.
Morning, noon, and night, these wretches, like medieval peasants who have never heard of cisterns, rush for help and take cover. They were shielded from the busy thoroughfares and charged into my narrow streets to exploit the concrete. It's so water-rich that moss and wildflowers are starting to sprout, but trust me, you don't want to smell anything that's foraged there.
Friends say I'm obsessed with monitoring this urban safari, but the upshot is that I also have ideas for deterrents.
It's incredible to me that so many people can find themselves in such a desperate situation that they have no choice but to pee in the open. There are many pubs, cafes and underground stations nearby, all with good facilities. Is this the end of polite society?
It stinks to have a front row seat to all of this. You never know if you'll come across someone who is taking a “comfort break” without realizing it. Going out and coming home can be uncomfortable at best and painful at worst.
Equally tragic are those who choose to stand in ammonia fumes to smoke a cigarette before work or eat a sarnie at lunchtime. Things can't be that bad for them, right? One day, I came home to find a couple pressed up against a dirty wall, having a smoothie. What a tryst venue.
Friends say I'm obsessed with monitoring this perverted urban safari. Perhaps they are right. In conclusion, I have come up with some ideas regarding deterrence.
How about Oprah-style incontinence pants that are distributed free of charge at the time of last order? We have suffered enough from motion-activated floodlights, which not only instill fear in criminals, but also destroy residents' sleep. And then there's live streaming, uh, live streaming. There's nothing better than peer pressure to shame people into better behavior, but this risks backfiring by creating a new wave of virus-shedders.
I always have a Soho book leaf in my pocket in London. Conditions are worst in the city's busiest district, especially on weekends when revelers crowd the streets. In response, Westminster City Council decided to apply clear pee-repellent paint to buildings and doorways, effectively repelling droplets that hit surfaces covered in the paint.
However, the council's budget is currently maxed out and I think toilets are pretty low on the list. Not to mention buying cans of anti-urinary paint in bulk.
My attack on this public crime?
I did the only reasonable thing and bought a megaphone to call out dirty acts (from behind the curtain. I have no conflict, thank you, especially against people with their pants down).
It worked. Most reactions are shouts of apology and hasty retreat. If you see anti-social behavior, please join me in raising your voice, whether through a megaphone or not. London already has one big river. You don't need anything else.
It should be a great game off the pitch as well.
Yesterday I watched Netflix's new documentary, The Final: Attack on Wembley, as I was getting dressed for the Women's FA Cup Final, which will be played at the same stadium. Yes, there was another document that explored history so recent that I remember it like it was yesterday, but this one is worth a look. We focus on the lead up to and beyond the 2021 Euro final, England vs. Italy. A festival that ended in failure, magic that went bad, and the result was a huge blow to the nation. The aftermath of a missed penalty.
An hour later I walked down the same Olympic Way that I had seen turned into a battle zone on screen three years earlier. The atmosphere at the women's game was unlike any other – welcoming, friendly and celebratory. At the end, Manchester United's Mary Earps lifted the trophy and cheers erupted from all directions. They were real fans.
As the Lions prepare for this summer's Euros, we hope our fans will take the lead and make England proud. It should be a beautiful match both on and off the pitch.
Abha Shah is Deputy Shopping Editor at the Evening Standard
