Ryan, let's talk among poor people.
(Francisco Kjolseth | The Salt Lake City Tribune) Qualtrics co-founder Ryan Smith helps open the X4 Technology Conference Summit, Wednesday, May 1, 2024, at the Salt Palace Convention Center in Salt Lake City.
Brian Higgins | The Salt Lake Tribune
| May 26, 2024 12:05 pm
For those of you who don't know, Ryan Smith, the so-called billionaire owner of the Utah Jazz and No Name Utah Hockey Team (#OutlawsOrBust), is asking for roughly $1 billion in taxpayer money to build an entertainment district in downtown Salt Lake City.
The reason he wants to build an entertainment district is so that Smith Entertainment Group can have a place where people spend their money before and after sports games, not just during them. This public funding would come from a 0.5% increase in Salt Lake City's sales tax, and if he doesn't get it there are credible threats to move both teams to Draper, a vibrant cultural hub *checks notes*.
Yes, Ryan Smith is a billionaire. He needs another billion dollars to complete this project that will bring him billions of dollars in profits. This leads me to what I think is a logical conclusion, which is that he is not actually a billionaire, because if he had billions of dollars, he could have invested those billions in a project that will bring him billions of dollars in profits. But since he can't, I'm starting to wonder if those billions exist.
Ryan, let's talk poor people together. We can't just keep asking people for money.
Of course, it starts out perfectly innocently — soliciting money from friends for drinks, getting your roommate to pay this month's electric bill, or raising city taxes that are already becoming unaffordable year after year for most people — but this is a dangerous path.
I mean, what if people start asking for their money back? Any poor person will tell you the Venmo requests pile up quickly. $10 for lunch. $15 for a bar tab. $40 for concert tickets. $54 million a year for 30 years for three blocks of downtown Salt Lake City. You can't ignore these notices forever!
Those who question my “Ryan Smith is poor” theory might point out that Ryan Smith's Entertainment Group is contributing $3 billion of its own money to the project. That's right. The last $3 billion. Now Ryan Smith is broke and needs help finishing a project that has cost far more than expected. Anyone who has ever tried to build a deck can understand this.
Ryan, it's a tough world out there, but you can't just ask people for handouts. Instead, you have to find ways to save money. Here are some everyday tips to help you save money:
Instead of going to a cafe, make your coffee at home.
Include more legumes in your diet. Legumes are a cheap way to get protein.
Buy generic products (I know they sell Coca-Cola products exclusively at the Delta Center, but with a little imagination the Kroger brand is just as tasty).
Donate your plasma – an easy way to make money on the side and earn over $700 in your first month.
Don't buy things you can't afford, like a flashy new smartwatch, a cool new jacket, or a professional hockey team.
Ryan, we are all facing challenges in this tough economy, whether that means figuring out where our next rent check is going to come from or figuring out how to use public funds to create enormous new revenue streams that will fundamentally change downtown SLC.
But we're all in the same boat! If you need more tips on how to have fun on a budget, feel free to contact me. Movie nights are always fun and tickets to jazz are usually pretty cheap too, because jazz is just so awesome.
(Photo by Brian Higgins) Brian Higgins
Brian Higgins is a writer and comedian living in Salt Lake City.
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