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Child sexual abuse is a revolting thing to even think about, much less talk about. The idea of an adult sexually assaulting a child is sickening. It's easiest to believe that it happens very rarely, and when it does, it's only when parents fail to protect their children.
This belief remained with me when I first became a parent: I was on the lookout for creepy guys on the playground and suspicious of teachers, coaches, and other men interacting with young children. When my kids were old enough, I taught them what “good touch” was, like a hug from a family member, and what “bad touch” was, like someone touching their genitals.
But after nearly a quarter century of studying family violence for 15 years and child abuse prevention, including sexual abuse, I realize that many of us, including myself, are employing outdated strategies to protect children.
As founder of the Violence Prevention Research Center, I work with organizations that educate communities and provide direct services to victims of child sexual abuse. I've learned a lot from them about the actions we can all take on a daily basis to keep our children safe. Some of it may surprise you.
False assumptions
First, my view of what constitutes child sexual abuse was too narrow: certainly, all sexual activity between an adult and a child is a form of abuse.
However, child sexual abuse also includes non-consensual sexual contact between two children. This includes non-contact crimes such as sexual harassment, exposure, and using a child to create sexually abusive images. The rapid evolution of internet-based games, social media, and content generated by artificial intelligence has led to a surge in technology-based child sexual abuse. Reports of online seduction to the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children increased 300% from 2021 to 2023.
I was also wrong in my assumption that child sexual abuse didn't happen in my community. The latest data shows that at least one in 10, and probably closer to one in five, have experienced sexual abuse. Statistically speaking, there are at least two kids in my son's kindergarten class who have experienced it.
Child sexual abuse occurs across all ethnic and racial groups, socioeconomic statuses, and gender identities. Female victims are more likely to be reported than male victims, but male victimization is more likely to be under-reported due to biases and cultural norms against men.
I have learned that identifying the “creepy guy” on the playground is not an effective strategy. At least 90% of child sexual abusers know their victims or their families before they commit the crime. Abusers are usually trusted members of the community, but may also be family members.
In other words, instead of looking for predators in the park, parents need to look at the circle of people they invite into their home.
To be clear, stranger abuse does occur and teaching children to be wary of strangers is necessary, but it is the exception rather than the rule when it comes to child sexual abuse crimes.
In most cases, the perpetrator is not an adult. Recent data shows that more than 70 percent of self-reported cases of child sexual abuse are committed by minors. Nearly 1 in 10 young people say they have perpetrated some form of sexual abuse against another child. The average age at the time of the act is between 14 and 16 years old.
Dramatic changes in behavior (either good or bad) can indicate possible sexual abuse.
Now, some good news: The idea that child sexual abusers are inherently evil is an oversimplification. In fact, only 13 percent of adults and about 5 percent of adolescents who sexually abuse children will reoffend five years later. Those who receive treatment support have an even lower recidivism rate.
In contrast, about 44 percent of adults who commit any felony commit another crime within a year of being released from prison.
What parents can do
New research suggests that keeping your kids safe requires some uncomfortable conversations. Here are some suggested strategies:
Avoid confusing language. “Good touch” and “bad touch” are no longer appropriate descriptions of abuse. Harmful touch can feel physically good, rather than painful or “bad.” Abusers can also lead children to believe their touch is affectionate.
Research has shown that it's better to talk to your child about “okay” and “bad” ways of touching, based on who touches them and where, which helps eliminate any confusion about something being bad but feeling good.
These conversations should clearly identify all body parts, from the head and shoulders to the penis and vagina. Using accurate anatomical labels helps children know they can talk openly about any part of their body with a safe adult. Children also are more likely to be understood and believed when they use accurate labels when disclosing abuse.
Tip: Teach your kids anatomical names for body parts instead of “codes” or “cute” names.
Encourage bodily autonomy. It's also a mistake to teach kids that hugs from family members are always a good thing. If kids think they have to hug on demand, it sends the message that they have no authority over their own bodies.
Instead, I try to supervise my child when he asks for a hug at family gatherings. If he hesitates, I defend him. I let the family know that physical contact isn't required and explain why: “He prefers a little more personal space, so we're trying to teach him that he can decide when and who touches him. He really likes to high-five and show affection,” etc. Note: Often adults are hesitant, at least at first.
In my family, we also don't allow the use of guilt to foster affection, and this includes statements like, “I'll be sad if you don't hug me.”
Promote empowerment. Studies of adult sex offenders have found that the greatest deterrent to committing a sex offense is a child who vocally expresses a desire to stop committing the offense or who says he will tell others.
Monitor your children's social media. Studies have shown that monitoring can prevent sexting and viewing of pornography, both of which are risk factors for child sexual abuse. Monitoring can also uncover any permissive or risky sexual attitudes your child may have.
Talk to the adults around you. Ask those who care for your children how they plan to keep them safe when you leave them with them. Admittedly, this may be an awkward conversation. I might say, “I have some questions that might sound a little weird, but I think they're important questions for parents to ask. I know I know your child will be safe with you, but I try to talk to them about this regularly, so this is good practice for me.” You may need to educate them about the research findings.
Ask your child's school how they educate students and faculty about child sexual abuse. Many states require schools to provide prevention education, and recent studies have shown that such programs can help protect children from sexual abuse.
Talk to your child's sports or activity organization. Ask them what procedures they have in place to keep your child safe. This may include screening and hiring procedures, how they train and educate staff, and guidelines for reporting abuse. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention provides a guide for organizations on keeping children safe:
Look at the latest research. Finally, when searching for information online, look for studies that are relatively recent — within the last five years. These studies should have been published in peer-reviewed academic journals.
Then prepare to be shocked: You may discover that the common sense you have believed all your life may be based on outdated, even harmful, information.
