Welcome to Mar-a-Lago, attendees! Don't panic! It's going to be dark.
You will now complete a series of tasks to determine whether you are a suitable candidate for Donald Trump's vice president. Your “suitability” value is a certain number. What is it? You thought you were here to engage with donors? Wrong! To be a suitable candidate for Trump, you need more than just engaging with donors. Mike Pence can engage with donors.
Is this a Saw or Hunger Games rip-off? Yes, there are elements of The Apprentice in the sense that Donald Trump is running the show and will probably say some nasty things off-air too.
Is Kristy Noem coming? No, not after the dog incident. Donald Trump knows that shooting a dog is not a good look. This is due to what the media always calls his “extraordinary talent for publicity,” giving him the good instincts to know that shooting a dog might not be a good look. To court!
Your first assignment is to decide whether to shoot a dog and publish a memoir about it.
Should I shoot my dog? Let me put it this way: Do I want to be Donald Trump's running mate?
Great shot, Elise! Take it to the next level!
You are in the water. The sharks are in the water. Above you is a rapidly sinking battery. Who knows what will happen if that battery goes underwater! There will never be Donald Trump. And Donald Trump is with you. Protect him! Go!
That's right Tim! Feed the shark! That's what the shark wanted you to do. Unfortunately, you're not a good competitor because you got eaten by the shark, your speech is slurred among the sharks, and the food that sticks to your clothes is “gross”. I don't think I hold a grudge! Thanks for the sacrifice!
Next level! Wow, you guys really do everything!
I give you a trident and a net. And a little sword and a big shield. And a big sword and a little shield! Come on, fight! Fight! That hurts, Doug, it looked like it hurt. Donald Trump said your Scutarius costume looked funny. His words, not mine. Sorry, I don't make the rules. Try harder.
Why are you fighting? Sorry, JD, you have no right to listen. Donald Trump is bored and wants you to fight! Now, bow down. No, lower. Here are the insults Donald Trump said about you. And here are the things he said about your family.
Now for the next challenge! You're on a ferry with Donald Trump. On another ferry is the Constitution and all the state and local officials who work to protect it. Each of these ferries is loaded with a bomb, and if you press the detonator right now, we'll blow up the other ship. Oh, we're not done yet. Hurry up, team!
You have a choice to make in this room. Your mother is in a jar full of stingrays, but Donald Trump is not. He wants you to stand here and clap while the jar fills with stingrays. No, he's not in danger. He just wants to see what he can get you to do. He's not going to make a deal with another Mike Pence.
In the next room is something you swore you would never sacrifice on the altar of naked ambition, something you still consider to be an inviolable principle despite your evolution. Press this button and dedicate it to Donald Trump.
Thank you! Finally, here is a small, fragile glass jar, containing what the ancient philosophers would probably call a soul. And not just any soul, it's your soul. That fragile, flickering thing in the jar is what makes you unmistakably yourself, what makes you human, it's where you store all of your morality and your relationship to what you consider to be God. See that hammer on the table?
Okay, everyone, number three. One, two,
