You might ask, “So, what about Thursday's presidential debate on CNN?” To which I offer a bad analogy: childbirth. It's unpleasant, but at least you have a baby at the end. In contrast, the debate was like this.
Jake Tapper: Hi. We have a system for turning off your microphone, but we don't use it. We don't have a system in place to fact-check your claims in real time, because the Trump campaign argued that trying to connect what he said to a shared reality would unfairly disadvantage us. So, please try to be as accurate as possible, just a suggestion. Most importantly, have fun.
DONALD TRUMP: Great! So can we just talk? Can we just say whatever we want?
Dana Bash: Yeah! Say anything!
TRUMP: Can nobody stop me from saying really vile, dehumanizing things like we live in a “rathole” because of immigrants, or saying over and over that Democrats want post-birth abortions?
TAPPER: If you remember, there's someone who will fact-check you in real time. His name is President Joe Biden. But he has his own plans tonight, so he might not do it.
Follow this author Alexandra Petri's opinion
President Biden: I will perform in such a way that a close source will tell me I have a cold during the debate. But don't worry. I am confident that the American people will be able to see behind the appearance and understand what I am trying to say. It is well known that people look behind the appearance during debates. People don't even watch the debates, they just read the transcripts afterwards, and when they come across a factual question, they slowly Google the right answer. Most homes don't even have a TV. Many just listen to the debates on the radio.
TAPPER: Talk about abortion.
Trump: Personally, I think there should be exceptions for rape, incest, and the life of the mother, but some people don't! Follow your heart! Do what you feel, unless you live in a state governed by people who don't, in which case it's going to be tough.
Biden: “I support Roe v. Wade. This case has three phases. The first is women versus doctors. The second is doctors versus extreme circumstances. The third is doctors — women versus the state.” (Verbatim quote!) The good news is, I hear no one watches cable TV anymore!
Tapper: Mr. Trump, we're hearing that you're planning unprecedented mass deportations. How? And will you deport families who've been here for decades?
Trump: I won't answer questions, but I'm happy to say nasty things about immigrants!
Biden: At least I'm not on a split screen the whole time Donald Trump is talking, so I don't have to think about my facial expressions and can focus on adding more statistics to my confusing answers.
Bash: That certainly is true.
Biden: Switch over to Peacock right now and you can watch Team USA's Olympic Qualifiers!
TAPPER: What about foreign policy?
TRUMP: I think we can all agree that if I was president, none of the bad things that are happening in foreign policy would have happened. In fact, nothing bad happened when I was president. All the bad things happened after Joe Biden became president. All the bad things that have happened in American history happened under Joe Biden's administration. Charlottesville happened under my administration, and I didn't think it was bad. And I think Gettysburg happened under Lincoln's administration, and it was more bittersweet than bad.
Biden: I will provide all the ammunition that Israel requests, except for certain very large bombs, which would be a mistake because they would kill civilians. The only weapons I would provide are the kinds of bombs that would accidentally kill civilians.
TAPPER: Talk to us about raising children.
TRUMP: I won't. Joe Biden is the worst president ever.
Biden: I don't think so. Historians have come together and agreed that Donald Trump was the worst president ever.
Andrew Johnson and James Buchanan: Yay!
Biden: Trump is a convicted felon, and I feel it's my responsibility to bring that up.
Trump: I am under attack by the corrupt machinery of the “American justice system” because I “broke the law.” It's “illegal.” Joe Biden engineered it all. No one can sue without his permission. So his next move was to have my son arrested for possession of a firearm.
TAPPER: Are you two too old to be president?
Biden: People have complained to me before that I'm too young. I think this is a good answer: Don't dictate to me how time passes.
Trump: I've taken two cognitive tests, and I'm a good golfer.
Biden: During the Obama administration, I was able to get my handicap down to a very low number.
TRUMP: That's a big lie. This guy lies all the time. Which am I? Sorry. I might have had a Freaky Friday.
Biden: My handicap was good.
Trump: Let's go play golf together.
Biden: My handicap is 6 or 8. If you bring your clubs, let's play golf together right now.
TRUMP: Hey, stop acting like a child.
Bash: America, do you watch two men over 75 arguing about golf handicaps and feel the cold hand of fear grip your heart? Do you feel the sensation of something dying, and dread seeing what is dead, for fear that it might be hope? Do you wake up in a cold sweat and wonder, “How did we get to this? How did we decide that the best way to decide who should rule the country is on live television? And how did this performance come to this?”
Biden: Did you hear? My opponent called me young.
